freedom of expression

the key to connection (and better sex)

As I discussed in a previous post, sex needs reflexes and reflexes need triggers. I spoke about pleasure as the trigger for sexual arousal, but I missed another important trigger; emotional connection. So, I want to write about emotional connection here, and to share some practices for finding more of it.

Emotional connection is the sum of subtle exchanges between individuals. Without necessarily being conscious of the fact, every interaction has a back-and-forth of body language and vocal tone.

I move forwards, you move backwards. You smile, I smile. I laugh, you relax.

It is this kind of communication that tells us how someone really feels. We attune to each other’s body language at the primary level.

Social interactions between brains shape emotional circuits within brains. Both participants are continuously active, each modifying their actions in response to the constantly changing actions of the other.

Allan Schore, The Development of the Unconscious Mind

[I]ndividuals with appropriately prosodic voices and warm, expressive faces frequently translates into a positive social interaction, promoting a sense of safety.

Stephen Porges, Polyvagal Theory: A Science of Safety

We know through direct perception, if someone is well or not.¹ Muscles that control facial expression and vocal tone are efferently connected with the visceral organs; meaning that we literally wear our heart on our face. Your emotions are completely open for the world to see.

Self-consciousness and shame make us imagine ourselves from the point of view of an imaginary other. This interferes with our sensory clarity, like tying shoelaces wearing thick gloves; and the subtle exchange of emotional signals is broken.

When we allow ourselves to be seen, we allow ourselves to see others. When we don’t allow ourselves to be seen, we don’t allow ourselves to see others.

Connection is on the other side of shame and self-consciousness. Deeper levels of connection require deeper levels of attunement, and in a sense, vulnerability. Of course, this is not only about sex; but about developing trusting relationships with other people.

By consciously attuning to and playing in the space of emotional connection, there is a great pleasure to be found, even in mundane small talk. The presence of pleasure within your body will, as you might expect, put others at ease. On the other hand, facial and vocal tension will likely have the opposite effect.

Now, to be clear, I don’t believe that consciously manipulating your body language is going to cut it. Don’t be lazy! You’re better off taking time for yourself to relax and reinvigorate; and that will organically change your attitude, to some extent.

Become curious, and think of it as a practice. Play, notice and release. When people start commenting on how different you look, it’s hard not to believe in this stuff.

Oh - and one more thing. Better sex. Sex is an emotional process; and a deeper emotional connection with your partner will physiologically change the experience. Opening degrees of expressive freedom and entering that space of attunement is the path for most people to get there.

Three exercises for freedom of expression

1. The face in the mirror

2. The voice on the phone

3. Opening the energy body